2 years and counting

29 and oh, how I feel it!!

How time flies!! It's been two years now that I have officially been back in Bay Area,  it's been a whirlwind of emotions, thoughts, processing and hard work.

I feel like I am finally at a place where I can manage a significant change again. I have a little better grasp of my emotions, feelings, and thoughts. In addition to that my skills at work, coworkers personalities, and with my second job as well. Phew!  I must say I have enjoyed all of it! Very necessary to have time alone during a difficult part of life. Shows you what youre made of, and builds your confidence. Everyone goes through it only difference is at different times of their lives. For me it just happened to fall all at once. 

I think losing Opa as hard as it was, was the essential catalyst for everything. Then I bought myself a new car. And have been dating around. I haven't needed a committed a relationship, nor did I have it in me to be in one. 

I have been SkyDiving in Lodi, Ca, CaveDiving in Nothern Ca, White Water rafting in Bakersfield, Ca, got my tattoo I've always wanted while in Sedona, Az; been on a few motor cycles, hiked and camped in Yosemite, competed and completed a Triathalon in Tahoe. Adopted a new dog, and cat...well he adopted himself to us. Moved into a house, I might buy. 

On my way to Costa Rica in August 2013 with a Nursing classmate and will be a Maid of Honor for a close friend in January 2014. There is no way I could have done all that I've wanted while being in a committed relationship. 

Hoping to buy my first home soon!! 

It's funny how when your in the middle of a trying time -a difficult task that it's so hard! You forget  that it will end, and you'll say "well, that was easier than I thought it was going to be" & I'm glad I  got to go through that. 

I'm working daily on learning to be in the moment with my friendships, relationships and just enjoy them while I'm in them. Reestablishing my long term friendships has been so essential to learning who I am again. The women I have in my life will never fully understand the true value I have for them in my life. 

Something I've always struggled with. Learning to relax. Lol... I like being productive too much.

Ready to assume more responsibility. At work and at home. :) 

With work I was involved in the Contract Negotiations for the Nurses on the Union side. Advocating for 2700 Nurses jobs, benefits, and wages. Not to mention it impacts the future RNs that come to work at Stanford. I was one of the 13 members of the Union who were chosen to represent the membership at the table for Negotiatons. One of the best and hardest things I have ever had to do! So worth it though! Was an honor to hold such a responsibility.  Nothing like being Class President in Nursing school. 

Challenges us bring us strength, show us our true endurance, patience and perseverance. It's been so essential for me to go through this. I know life will only bring more challenges, and struggles. 

-M

Still not quite there

Im sure youre all tired of reading about my inabilty to establish and maintain a decent relationship. But its my excitement that gets the better of me. I have to learn to be completely alone... I have exhausted all of my friendships and established open and loving communication with all of my close friends again.

Amy and I havent really talked in a week or so which is frustrating but thats ok.
Ashley and I are on fantastic terms, but I know Ive kinda worn out my welcome with some of this stuff and shell tell me so!
Liane and Melissa and I are slowly warming up to one another again
Bonne and I are ok
Brittney and I are pretty good terms :)

And I still chat with my friends in Fresno ;)

Which has been such a blessing. :) I am pursuing something new in my life...I dont know what. I cant stand my job its soooo emotionally draining and challenging. There is just absolutely no way that I can sustain for a happy lovely life that I so desire. I am still sorting out my goals and dreams. Apparently I am not the only one to go through this sort of mental break ;0) Very very reassurring. Someday I will be able to be back at the support that my friends have been and itll be fantastic. I dont see myself being overly happy in the Bay for much longer. I think that I would like to live out here in Lodi, and learn to be alone ;) No Boys, No new friends... who knows... that could be a disaster too... LOL. Gotta take chances right?

I cant worry about the little stuff just enjoy each day that I get it all...I sooooo wish I hadnt of scared off Jeremy though. Such an incredible man. Has helped beyond what he'll ever know. :) I hope the best for him. Good Friends are soo important I am learning. Not being AFRAID to be myself is even more important. Knowing who I am and how I want to be percieved, truly listening... Allowing myself to be there for others instead of the other way around. Which means I have to be quiet and pay attention. Which is exactly what I have done, but I tend to talk about myself too... I am a problem solver and puzzle fixer, a "think outside the boxer" LOL... \

I have set a goal for myself to obtain better financial security, remove myself from caffeine, sodas, candy, alcohol consumption and maintain abstinence. I think once I do this I will see my true self again :)

With these short term goals though, I havent really decided if I want to be married or have kids...Its very conflicting, not stressful but conflicting...I would like to say Yes to both but it just has to be the right time and right person.

This is a long entry I know but its helping to clear my mind at the moment to write to the great internet oblivion.

Thanks!

http://aflourishinglife.com/2011/07/finding-your-way-back-to-your-self/

-M

The motion of emotions :)

So this last year has been a roller coster of emotions, with work; with dating and life.

I moved again, to a new place a house. Its bigger and feels more like a home :) Carly is somewhat happier. Well see... theres lots of projects that need doing around the house so it should keep me busy and distracted. Thats the new positive part of my life.

There's no new man, although there was one I was kinda crazy about. I always get to this point in life where I want to get up and run and move on to something new when it gets too hard instead of looking at what I can do to push through it mentally. I have been focusing a lot on the past and not the present. Life doesnt move backward only forward...


My friends have really been here for me recently and it has made a world of difference. :) Its funny how much it helps. For so long I refused to believe that I could handle everyones problems and be able to help them out. I enjoy helping others and it makes me feel good when I see that I made them feel better. However, I have to learn to let others help me. Im still really really trying on this one. I was raised in such stern and strict house by my grandparents and mother that Ive never gotten to know anything else.

After the end of my relationship with my ex and a new move and a new job I had a whole new perspective on life! FREEDOM!! LOL for once total and complete and utter freedom! It felt amazing. I got my tattoo Ive wanted, I got my dream job and barely processed it. The newness of the job has sorta worn off and I am working on focusing on other things involved with work. Projects and what not.


Im not sure where life will lead but I have to let go and stop trying to control things all the time. I do wish there was things about others I could get over but I am afraid I will not be able to do that. Sometimes life gives you lessons and you have to stop long enough to process them.  Its sooooo hard to notice when to slow down though. Trying to maintain a positive outlook is even more exhausting. I get fatigued easily and sometimes periods of anxiety come.

Most important lesson of all...be patient and in the moment, enjoy it while I have it.

The hardest part is learning to be alone. ;( Its sooo lonely. Life is entirely too hard to handle alone but I have to learn to be alone before I can be someone elses everything :) Most imporantly to be happy with me!!!! 100% everything about me love it all! I am the way GOD intended me to be for a reason :)

With that thought I am signing off, gotta do some stuff around the house...

Im glad I wrote again.

P.S.

Planning some trips for this year as well.

-M