Maturation

I never thought that this last year would have taught me so much! I started out with ending a 10 year relationship with my high school sweetheart. I have since achieved my dream job, and independence from him. I have learned what I like and dont like in myself, others and especially men. I have dated a few. Slept with most. Gotta get the full experience. Lol, the good with the bad. Its all part of the game. I have been up and down with my choices, emotions and decisions. I have my friends and family to thank for their support, encouragement and love that has gotten me through this last year! Without them I couldnt have done it. This last week has been by far the hardest. Just all a learning experience. Thats all I can explain it to be. There has been so much thinking, praying talking with parents, friends and family. Oy! I never knew/learned so much about myself! Everyone has rallied around me and made me feel great! All the little nuances that life has in it has surfaced this last few weeks and its been rough! Everyone has noticed and now I am going to do for me!! Focus on my job, and saving money so I can buy a house next year and do some traveling. If a boy comes along and wants to stick around for a while then so be it. Im not going to force anything, try and control anything and I am now assured of how much I am worth! I have a good job, I am smart, hard working, and very caring. These things I have to keep telling myself these things and forget about the rest!

-M

Stay tuned for pictures and updates of my recent and to be completed trips!

Current read

Tattoo...?

Maybe I am considering one. It would represent the two most important people in my life. My grandparents. I feel like I am a combination of their personalities, traits and characteristics. I spent a majority of my childhood in their care and as a result I feel a lot of who I am is because of them. Here the pic of what I am considering.

In the middle part the banner would say "Aus Liebe" which is German for: "For love"

I havent fully decided yet but maybe someday.

Time Flies when your having fun!

Wow! Its been a month already since I last wrote an entry. Life has been speeding right along. Especially the last 3 weeks. In the beginning of the month I had my cousin from Germany visiting. Her friend Laura, her and I went to SF for the day.Spent some time with new coworkers in the City that weekend too, checking out bars and new places I hadnt seen yet.

The following weekend I went out with my Ex's best friend's Ex girlfriend. Haha! Fate! She and I always felt like we were kept at a distance from one another. They never treated us right and never appreciated us the way we should have been. I have to keep telling myself this everyday! I was in denial for so long! Then I woke up and went with her and her friends to Great America and rode on the roller coasters. Man hadnt done that in a long time! Then Sunday I caught a nice Summer Sunday Concert in my hometown, it was mellow, warm, and peaceful. I had my coffee and a good book. Perfect Sunday afternoon!

Then during the week I caught some of the night life in downtown Palo Alto with a new coworker. Were trying to arrange a Salsa class. Should be fun! Last night I went to Castro Valley and checked out a bar.

Currently I am still deciding on Grad School and starting the house shopping process. Still enjoying the singledom I have.

As the summer end draws near I would say I have had a good one! I have been doing quite a bit of new activities that I never used to do. I would say its shaping me and relaxing me a little bit. I am glad that I am at this point in my life. Enjoying running on a regular basis, and picking up my hobby of photography again.

Grad School

Yup I said it,

I am seriously considering Grad School...in Nursing there are several avenues or paths that one can choose. One of the many other perks of becoming a nurse. I know I have a fondness for Administration, so that has always been a thought. On the other hand I have a fondness for maintaining patient care interaction...I would possibly also like an Nurse Practitioner route.

I am slowly researching all of what is required to complete an application and pursue a Graduate Degree.

I think that it would be an awesome feat of dedication and motivation if I got one. Not to mention the fact that I am the first person to complete college in my family in the first place.

I have always had my eye on UCSF. However their coursework looks intense and requiring a lot of time.

I know it would take about 2 years to complete...Id be almost 30 years old...eek~! LOL. :)

Now, I have to start considering which school I want to attend. Go back to my Alma Mater- SJSU or pursue a new one?
$ is a huge deciding factor. I need to pay off what I have outstanding currently before adding to it more. Well we'll see. Maybe Ill change my mind. I know I want to talk with people at work and see what they have to suggest. Its a lot of learning...fortunately something I have always enjoyed is learning.

Keep you posted...

Early afternoon adventure

Took myself to Jack London Square for a few hours...

Even though it was an overcast afternoon it was still nice to fill my senses with the various sounds, the train and ship horns, listen to the chirping birds, people chatting. Take in the smells of fresh baked bread and lunch being prepared by the restaurants...reminded me how hungry I was. Feeling and smelling the cool, salty air brought back all of the fond memories I have of time with my grandpa. Something I will always cherish.

Lastly, the sights...

At the moment, this is what I am trying to do.

Just finished taking a bath and the camera operator wasnt fast enough to catch him in the act! :)

Some kids were taking a sailing class..

Keep in tune for another adventure...

Career

At the moment its kicking my butt! I have only had 4 shifts on the unit (12 hours) but I have learned a lot and am trying to digest it all and make it stick. I have a good preceptor- orienter to the unit. She knows her stuff and I am sure that someday I will be there too.

I think in the beginning I had the nervous scared feelings- which I have heard sometimes never go away- AWESOME (not!) I had never worked with intubated or sedated patients. Now I know that process somewhat. My preceptor has made it a priority to seek out those patients for us to care for; enhance my learning or something of the like. In Pediatrics- we see all sorts of disease processes. Now LPCH for example- one of the top places to go to in the nation because of the teaching/research aspect of the facility. More unique learning experiences for me. I have always enjoyed learning and sought it out...this time its different- so much harder! I think I may have also had some very unrealistic expectations of myself, I didnt really anticipate that my learning curve would be so drastic. I am having to exercise my critical thinking skills even more than I ever have. Ive been told even RNs who have been there for a long time, have tons of experience still dont know everything. Makes it a little better I guess. :) There is no expectation of anyone knowing quiet what to do in every instance and the uniqueness of LPCH itll never happen. Probably never see the same thing twice, each disease process, child and scenario differ in many different ways. I know that I was ready for this challenge, I just have to keep reminding myself everyday "I can do it!" Had a little bit of a realization of all of this today. Hence, the blog note. Also hadnt done one in a while. Would have rather journaled it in my private journal at home but it hurts my hand too much to write like that for so long. This is quicker and easier. Overall I know Ill be okay, but its tough! Im back to work Monday, with a diffrerent preceptor for one day, could be good and bad. Well see. Ill let you know. Yesterday was a good day. I was kinda able to grasp the tasks that have to be done...managed time well, knew the patient well enough, and got through day with more confidence than previous shifts. Only time will tell.

Side note: I am still healing emotionally from everything that has gone on from the last year...losing my grandpa; planning back in August to move out and break up with Kraig. then 6 months later moving out, finding new job, buying new car, moving again and starting new job. A lot. Somehow amist all of this I have still managed to stay strong- kept a good diet, lost some weight I had gained after nursing school and rebuilt friendships with my best friends. They have been the saving grace for me in this. I have opened up a lot and found myself again. I dont feel bad for who I am anymore and know I am good person, who works hard, is motivated, has goals for herself and trys to reach them. I enjoy traveling, exploring new places, meeting new people and hearing their stories, anything that gets my creative juices flowing...hobbies; loves to exercise and maintaining a good health status and ultimately live a very active full life. All of these things never matched with the Ex. Someday someone will. :0)

Pescadero

Wanted to take some pictures of the beach one day....
Met up with my friend who is starting a new sport....KITEBOARDING!

Go Brittney!

Pigeon Point Lighthouse on the way to the beach

June

So...June what did I do? Well question should be what didnt I do?

I did everything I could while I knew I had the time, funds and energy to do it! Hang out with friends, sight see a little. Go to concerts, see new movies, have a birthday! Yup im 27 now! :( :) its a bittersweet birthday. Im older but wiser. And lastly started new job.

Overall had a good month of much needed fun. Now on to the tougher stuff!

Some time in LA

Spent some good time with a friend down in Burbank, Ca. Where she lives and she wanted to take pictures of me in my new hat. These pictures make me realize what a beautiful person I am and give me hope for love again.

Life at the Moment

Is in a full fledged furry! I am moving on to new and bigger pastures. After 10 years of being together my boyfriend (now ex) and I are officially parting ways. Its been a few months of seperation at this point but I know that I was miserable for a long time as was he. We were both trying to force something that wasnt there. True deep down meaningful love. Not that it wasnt ever, but it had faded. I think it had a lot to do with who we both are, and what we want in life. I want more than he does, always have and that has never changed. He used to want that, now his focus is on career and money. Mine fullfillment of lifes adventures with a touch of career and money.

I know that we needed this to happen but it is one of the hardest changes I have had to undergo, the process of searching for myself again. Finding the things that used to make me happy and that I enjoy. I know that I was trying to change him, and make him that man that I know is out there that will make me happy. Sometimes seperation does make the heart grow fonder but in this instance, no. There will be a lot of memories...mostly good but the last year and a half will be the hardest to part with.

On a side note, I also bought a new car. Out with the old and in with the new. Helps the healing process a bit. The old car did me well for a while but now I have the car that I originally wanted when I bought the other one a year and a half ago.

I am officially moving back to the Bay Area...I have been offered and accepted my dream job of working at LPCH- the Childrens hospital at Stanford University. So yes, another change, but it is my ability to handle change that I know I am best at. I welcome it and usually seek it out. Although I must say not all of the changes that have occurred in my life have not been positive, what doesnt kill us makes us stronger right?

I am finding myself again...eating right, exercizing everyday and fulfilled with most everything in life. I know that out there is the man I know who will be appreciative, and love me for who I am.

Nurse Lingo at 0100 in the AM!

How many nurses, doctors and interventions does it take to help a patient go poop? (this is my life!)

C- Just one. A Chinese medicine doctor :). Force feed them herbs lol. U a doc?
KM- From my personal experience...1 nurse and unlimited soap suds enemas with melted dulcolax :-D
C- Rofl. How bout stool softener gelcaps in a direct IV lol
VT- i hate poop so much, all i can do is just laugh about it hehe. when i ask my patients if they're passing gas they always laugh and look shy hehehe.
c- Well in traditional Chinese medicine we have to ask what shape it was, smell, shade, size, sticky, forced etc lol. Not all the time with patients lol.
MS- ok so verdict, 4 RNs, one Miralax, one glycerin suppository (came out promptly) digital stimulation, one colace, and finally! Biscodyl suppository.
MS to C- Peds RN
C- ‎:) lol. But it got done. Right?! :)
ABT- I hate poo.
MS lol, yup and with 3 small quarter size "butt nuggets" that could be used as ammo in slingshot!
C-I think if u trained a monkey to use a sling shot. Fling poo maybe just funnier
MS- haha! I love it!

My Power Animal

www.MyPowerAnimals.org
Power Animal Healing with Lord Sananda and Alexandriah Stahr

Birth Totem - Deer - May 21st - June 20th



Birth and Animal Totem: Deer (May 21st - June 20th).

Moon: Corn planting moon.

Season Aspect: The flowering time.

Wind Relation: East winds.

Directional Relation: South-east.

Element Relation: Air with fire.

Elemental clan: Butterfly clan.

Plant totem: Lily of the Valley

Mineral totem: Agate.

Polarity with: Owl.

Color Aspect: Green.

Musical vibration: E natural.

Weakness: Moodiness, "day dreaming".

Personality: Talkative, congenial, moody.

Spiritual energy: Feminine energies.

Emotions: Sensitive.

Positive traits: Friendly, intellectual and quick witted.

Negative traits: Restless, yet insecure.

Compatibilities: Crows and otters.

Conscious Desire: Bridging gaps.

Subconscious desire: Mastery of the mind.

Spiritual Path: Sharing what one has learned or experienced for growth.

Strengths: Persistence and concentration.

Keywords: Intelligent, skilled communicator, knowledgeable, conveyor of ideas, friend to all, restless.

 

Birth Totem: Deer - May 21st - June 20th

Birth Totem Deer is one whose outer personality is one of apparent contradictions as she is gentle in appearance, yet strong, fleet of mind, yet slow in putting her thoughts into action. Her conscious desire is to be an integral part of the threading together of humanity, to weave a blanket of oneness from all races, spiritual beliefs and cultural backgrounds, and yet she may have difficulty in integrating her mind to her emotional center. So long as deer flees from the "demons" of her own making, she will not achieve her dream of becoming a thread in the quilt of acceptance, for she is not accepting of her own inner self.

Think of sister deer as she moves quietly through the forest, ever alert for the subtlest of movements, the slightest of sounds that will warn her of impending danger, and yet her own flightiness often leads her straight into the sights of the hunter. When one who has deer as their birth totem can learn to calm her restless nature, learns to quiet her frantically beating heart, she may begin the process of formulating her thoughts, untangling them from the massive ball of jangled threads into a garment of higher knowledge that can then be passed along to others. By first addressing her own acceptance of herself, then embracing and bringing together friends, associates and new acquaintances who are friends not yet known, into a common ground of shared goals, she will ultimately learn mastery over her restless mind, and thus truly begin the process of integrating her mind with her emotional center.


Birth Totem Deer

 

May 21 - June 20

Gentleness ~ Innocence

The Deer is lively, quick-witted and always aware of her surroundings. Ever alert for the subtlest of movements and the slightest sounds that warn her of impending danger. Yet, her own flightiness often leads her straight into the sights of the hunter. -excerpts from "Medicine Cards" by Jamie Sams

Many cultures, including the Native Americans, believe that if we put our ear to the ground, we can hear Mother Earth's heartbeat. Land Animal Totems are keenly aware of this heartbeat; and in fact, are said to walk in time with the beat of the Earth's heart.

Consequently, these land animal symbol meanings relate to intuition, awareness, and cognizance. Additionally, these animal groups represent being grounded and stable both mentally and physically.

A Deer's senses are very acute. Its vision is designed for clarity at a distance. It is especially effective at detecting contrasts and edges in dim light. Its hearing is equally acute. Anyone who has Deer Totem will find increasing ability to detect subtle movements and appearances. They will begin to hear what may not be said directly. Anyone who has Deer Totem has hidden clairaudient and clairvoyant abilities.

Deer teaches you the power of gentleness, keen observation and sensitivity. They are the Sacred Carriers of Peace, and show you how to open your heart and love unconditionally.

Deer protects their newborn from subtle outside influences. Fawns are born a color that protects and hides them from a predator's sight. For the first few days of life they hardly move. Once the fawn's energy field is strong and grounded, they stand and begin to follow their mother around.

Watching the Deer and her young is a reminder to honor the child-like innocence within you and move with gentleness and an open heart. It also suggests that you stand strong on your path and not allow yourself to get distracted by outside influences.

Deer Totem people are fast moving, sensitive, graceful, alert and by nature, intuitive.

They are very talkative and can leap from one conversation to another with the greatest of ease and grace. They bring their own feelings into the conversation; and yet, they are able to sense when interrupting too much and will then stop and listen.

Totem Deer people like to be surrounded by beauty; whether it is the scenery or their homes, or people who they sense are beautiful on some, if not all levels. Deer people have the intuition and sensitivity to know inner beauty as well as outer beauty. They really see beauty in others and always try to find ways to reflect it back.

Deer Totem people are clever, resourceful and creative ~ making beautiful things from simple materials.

Realizing that joy is necessary in order to appreciate the beauty of the world, Deer Totems often bring much happiness to those who know them. They enjoy being around people, especially those of their own gender. Deer people have an enthusiasm about them that is contagious. When a Deer person starts laughing everyone else is in stitches.

Deer teaches you to use the power of gentleness to touch the hearts and minds of those that are in your life. Do not push towards change in others ~ rather, gently nudge them in the right direction with the love that comes from Deer Totem.

Deer Totem carries the message of purity of purpose; of walking in the light to dispel shadows. Deer knows the work that it must do, and goes about that work with no fanfare and no need for personal glory or recognition.

Nothing can cause Deer to change its path. There may be many who continually throw roadblocks in the way ~ Deer steps over them or goes around them. Many give Deer dozens of reasons why a thing will not work, but Deer only listens politely and then continues on. Deer people know what they must do, and will not be turned from their mission.

There are no shadows about Deer ~ no ulterior motives ~ no hidden agendas ~ no lies or misrepresentations, and it is not possible for Deer to knowingly hurt anyone or anything. Children sense this about Deer Totem people, and are drawn to them. They feel safe and not threatened. Deer works very well with children because of their innocence.

Deer Totem carries a strong message, but with a gentle touch. Its determination to do its work is not destructive, but a quiet and powerful path toward completion. A new innocence and freshness is about to be awakened or born. There is going to be a gentle, enticing lure of new adventures. There will be an opportunity to express the gentle love that will open doors for you. Listen to your heart!

 

 

Birth Dates: May 21 - June 20
Clan: Butterfly
Constructive Qualities: Bright, Energetic, Intellectual and Sociable
Conscious Objective: Bringing Humanity Together
Spiritual Path: Develop and Integrate the Mind
Strengths: Gentle yet Strong, and Alert
Key Words: Intelligent, Lively, Sparkling Personality and a Friend to All
 

 

Birth Totem Deer Flower Essence

This Flower Essence enhances our mental clarity and focus by helping us to find emotional stability. Totem Deer Flower Essence has a deeply calming effect. It helps us find our own inner peace coming from a place very deep within ourselves. It promotes emotional and mental calmness and stillness.

Totem Deer Flower Essence has a gentle diffusing effect within us, getting rid of old thoughts and patterns that no longer serve our higher purpose. We find ourselves bringing Universal Love through our higher natures and allowing ourselves to radiate it to all.

 

    

© Copyright 2009-2010 Alexandriah Stahr, Star-Essence Temple. All Rights Reserved

It makes me so happy to hear these facts, it was sup rising yet, helpful. I hope it brings me peace. In addition to the deer I feel drawn to Giraffes, and Turtles... Their characteristics, are also very appealing to me as well. :)

Website by zavier.net

Every woman's must read...

I read it in a day, it really helped solidify what behaviors that women do that get under mens skin. The author does a really good job of writing in a tone that does not dismiss what women think. Its similar to Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus.

a month already?

Wow! Its beena month already since I last blogged...well thats because ive been journaling my more personal intimate thoughts. I have found some solace in talking with friends, reading my counseling website, and now I have found books in order to really understand the "male psyche" haha! Anywho things are not fantastic as I wish they could be but, Im staying busy with work, its scary busy there...remembering what it was I have to work on, staying with the journaling, attending church again and being thankful and grateful for what it is I do have. My friend network is expanding and becoming stronger which is a really nice additive. However, trying to relearn who I was and who I want to be is a hard feat, one I know that will pay off in the long run. Well thats all for now, will keep you posted... :0)

LIfe

The topic of this blog is life, because it has got me in such turmoil at the moment. I am at the point in my life where I am finding nothing making me happy, truly deep down full of vigor happy. There is nothing that can be done or said by anyone to fulfill this. I am learning it has to come from within myself. Dont get me wrong there are somethings that I am proud of and that helps a little, but there are other things like how impatient I get with those who I love. I would love to be able to accept them for who they are and not get so irritated with them. I would love to be able to take it one day at a time, and calm down. I feel like the only things that give me hope is things I have planned in the future. Which helps but again not completely fulfilling. I love all of my many talents, effiency and other traits about myself. I am actually physically happy its emotionally and mentally. I had no idea that this type of struggle was as taxing as it was. I am going to try and incorporate the use of an online free counseling to help get my mind straightened out. I know that trying to decipher the human psyche is not one of my strong suits. I think I may also have to dust off my nursing books as well... The biggest issue to deal with right now is my relationship with my boyfriend of almost 10 years. At this point I am moving out, and well just take it a "day at a time" and discuss our future and the issues we are both struggling with. There stating that out just helped. I have always been a person who cannot keep thoughts in my head, I have to journal them in order to clarify what I am thinking and remember what I thinking. Hence the reason I cannot keep secrets! I cant remember them! :)

Home for sale

http://dom.us/dom.us/views/virtualTour.php?durl=w80wf

Plan for New Year!

Get in Shape again, since becoming an RN, I have gained 15lbs! Eeek! I used to coach gymnastics about 20 hours a week, I had no idea that it made such an impact on my body, just coaching. So now I am determined to loose that 15lbs and then some. I have a nice vacation in May planned and would like to look HOTT! Its in Miami So Ive got too!

I am already registered for my Tour De Cure for Diabetes I have done the last 3 years and am registering for Bay to Breakers 12K in May.

A coworker and I are going to try and run together and really keep each other on track with our progress.

I have a few projects I need to finish up but, for the most part things are looking good!