Rant

I just need to rant. Coming around to the idea of 30. HOLY SHIT! 30!  LOL… Looking at planning a party with one of my best friends. She's been there and I am not letting go of her either. My mind is in a funk this last week. Starting my Masters, which I am stoked about but its so much work! Im freaking out about not paying my bills off as much as I should. Im planning a tattoo out for myself,  which I have given extreme consideration and I am excited about. I love the idea and where I want it. I  just know it'll jeopardize my career goals as well.. but to be honest I just don't fucking care anymore. I want it where I want it because to me my happiness is all that matters. I have always stood by that and I always will… I just want to know that at the end I have done what I wanted and enjoyed every freaking minute of it. Bad or good. I was raised with good morals and values, but have always been carefree and spontaneous. I consider myself to be a responsible risk taker. Some say there is no such thing but I disagree… because if you carefully evaluate things you can take risks with in your responsibility. Like a mild shopping spree, or getting that tattoo you've always wanted, learning a new hobby. Basically don't fucking give a shit what people think and do what you want. Which I know I can't do with my job as much as I want to. I have to use my outspoken ways in the right way. Get people to listen. I have always been different though. I usually command a presence when I speak and then I am heard. I learned the technique when I was coaching that I actually would get more out of my kids when I would just stand quietly waiting for their attention rather than yelling at them. Forceed them to pay attention. Not in a controlling way, but in a way to get them to realize that what I had to say was important and their lives were impacted by it. I am trying hard to get that finesse at the bedside. I do it well with my families and patients. But not as much with my coworkers. Some days I have the best days others, I leave feeling like shit. Guess its all par for the course. Some days I wanna shit my pants because I am so anxious with the child's life in my hands, I am trying so hard to find my true strength again. Its right there and I just can't reach it… So frustrating. My  mom said that when I get to the place where I am headed I won't even notice it. LOL.. She has good things to say sometimes. She's provided a lot of wisdom and truth to me.

Music…. Music… Music makes me happy. If I ever lost my hearing or being able to communicate I would be miserable. purely miserable. In the last 3 years I have had to learn how to admit my failures and mistakes. I used to be able to do things so flawlessly or at least I thought so. Then life went and beat me up… LOL I had hoped that the transition through it all would  have gone smoother but I guess not. I should count my blessings…. good friends, though they all live far away. Good health, a good but freaking hard ass job- which makes me appreciate my life so much more… to be honest that is why I keep going back to it… It provides me with insight to how life really is and it gives me honor to serve those who are less fortunate than me. I don't know where I learned it or what made me decide. But I had a conversation with my roommate a while back and she asked me how I got the way I am.. I told her I  wasn't sure. Then I recollected that when I was  younger I remember making a conscious decisions to be a good person. That is something I stand by, and it kills me when I feel like I haven't done enough. I truly believe that my purpose in life is to serve others. Which I know sounds a bit like a doormat but I mean it in a way that people have respect for me because I choose to make the effort to  put their needs ahead of mine. But I never forget about what I need too… I just don't make others do it for me. My nanny growing up came to my college Graduation party and she said she was not surprised when she found out that I was a  Nurse. She said I was always the one who was taking care of all the other kids… :) Makes me smile that thought. I LOVE being a Nurse. It makes me proud. I just wish I was respected more by my peers. That is what I am trying to achieve. Its whats been my hardest hurdle to achieve with this job.

Ok I think I got it all out of my system now this journaling thing.., Still helps. Time to focus on homework.